I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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