I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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