oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
