everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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