Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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