Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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