I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
