Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
