we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
