im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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