I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize