I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
