My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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