Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
being pregnant is like rehab
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
