I puked a lego.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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