I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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