You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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