i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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