I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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