Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
