Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
She made me pour olive oil on her.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
