i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
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Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
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He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize