Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
