i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
so that wasnt chicken after all
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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