How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
