They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
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