Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
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