i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
