The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
