So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
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