I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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