he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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