I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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