you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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