so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
