Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
