if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
