the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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