a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
