Apparently you make a good broom.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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