I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
