New invention idea: vibrating tampons
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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