He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
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He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
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I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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