Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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