You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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