I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
