when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
