I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
