you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
