20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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