Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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