she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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