I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
