i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
