Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize
