My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
