Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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