guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
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