My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
