thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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