I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
