I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
false alarm. still invincible.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
