4 words: hood of his car
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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