i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
