my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
