you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
