its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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