Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I am spending my child support on dildos
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
