he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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